Lemonade
by BittersweetLullaby25
Summary: "I don't want to worry about my best friend being in love with me. I want to go back to the days when hating my parents for naming me after the citrus fruit of an evergreen tree was my chief concern."     They all said this would happen. Yikes.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One: On Unicorns, Parents, and James**

**FIVE THINGS I HAVE LEARNED IN MY SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD LIFE THAT I RECOMMEND YOU TAKE SERIOUSLY BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T YOUR LIFE WILL END UP PRETTY MUCH SCREWY AND YOUR KIDS WILL HATE YOU. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE YOU WON'T HAVE TO COOK ON CHRISTMAS EVERY SINGLE YEAR AND CAN WATCH TV IN YOUR SWEATPANTS WHILE CONSUMING COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF CHEESECAKE (OR ALCOHOL, IF YOU ARE A SINGLE AND UGLY PARENT. I DON'T JUDGE):**

_**The alarm WILL ring every morning, because you have SET it to do so. Don't take your anger out on it or attempt to blast it into smithereens with your wand while half-asleep because knowing you, you probably used the wrong spell. In the unlikely event that you did remember the correct incantation in your state of half-death, you probably aimed incorrectly and set your carpet on fire.**_

_**You are underage when all the above events occur. Your parents are Muggles. Two and two make four and you are issued a warning from the Ministry for "underage sorcery." You attempt to explain that attempting to destroy a non-descript object like an alarm clock cannot be perceived as "sorcery" surely! But the talking parchment does not care and self-destructs.**_

_**The aforementioned parents are clueless about everything. Do not rely on them to do anything for you. The things they ought to be doing may range from putting food on the table at mealtimes to letting you know when they decide to take an impromptu tour of the country for some "fresh air and bonding with nature." Always assume that they do not exist. You are alone in the world.**_

_**Don't be that parent to your kids unless you want them to be mentally scarred enough to be writing a list like this in their unicorn journal. Oh, and don't give them a unicorn journal. It gives them the impression that you are unaware of the cynicism and negativity with which they view the world, thus making them ever more pessimistic.**_

_**Don't. Don't. Don't. DON'T ever name your child after a fruit.**_

Yes, I know my happy little unicorn, what it is that you are thinking right now. She's back, you whinny (do unicorns whinny?) complaining about her lovely, INSPIRATIONAL name. It's so UNIQUE, I wonder why she seems to LOATHE it so much?

Well, screw you, you little horned freak. How would you feel if you were called LEMON?

Yes, that's right, readers of this fascinating little notebook. My name is Lemon. Why? Because my parents are hippies who, having been given horrifically normal names by their own completely sane parents, decided to bestow (INFLICT) upon their daughter the blessing (ABSOLUTE, SHEER RIDICULOUSNESS) of having an original (IDIOTIC) name that no one (IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS) would have ever given their child.

Okay, I get that. They wanted their kid to be different. To stand out. Uh-huh, I totally understand that. Even without that name, I wasn't ever going to blend in, being the way I am. But thanks to this monstrosity following me around everywhere, three hundred and sixty five (and one-fourth) days a year, I stand out for all the wrong reasons. And I HATE my parents for that.

I suffered all through my eleven years as a Muggle with evil little preppies pointing fingers at me and laughing at my patched-up clothes, my flyaway hair, and my lunches of toffee and Coke. Actually that last part wasn't so bad, because it taught me to survive on the most meager food supplies. It especially came in handy when my parents decided to take a six-month cruise in the Atlantic Ocean and forget to tell me they were leaving. After about a week of missed meals, I realized they weren't home. Since my parents are estranged from their own parents, probably because my parents are total FREAKS, I didn't have any relatives to call. My parents also don't have any normal friends I can rely on. Their only friends either belong to nudist colonies or feed their kids the barks of trees.

I really prefer Coke to that.

Anyway the point is that getting my Hogwarts letter was like…my own personal Big Bang, or the coming of the Messiah in parchment form. I'm not saying I don't love my parents…they're endearing sometimes. Well they're asleep. Or…not here.

It just felt like I would finally be able to live the life of a KID. Sure, I'd be living in a boarding school that I wasn't even sure existed (refer to my lack of enthusiasm about unicorns, and you will see why I wasn't totally psyched about magic). But there would be TEACHERS to take care of me. PEERS who would help me. PEOPLE I could trust to not take off without warning. FOOD I wouldn't have to search for from within the depths of our refrigerator.

My parents were thrilled of course. What could be freakier than me being an actual, honest-to-goodness witch? Nothing. It was all I could do to keep them from throwing me a party and inviting all their weirdo friends to celebrate the existence of a wizarding world. I even convinced them not to come up to London with me. They were extremely put out. They had "costumes and everything!" and they couldn't understand why I was being so adamant and "uptight" about it.

Enough of my parents though. This is where the good part of my life starts.

Sure, people at Hogwarts were still human and didn't let go of the fact that my name was Lemon. But everything was so much…more normal. Ironic, huh, that I had to become a witch and enroll in a school of magic to find regularity in my life? Yeah, I'm really feeling the hilariousness.

Okay, I HAVE to stop this constant digression into depression.

On the Hogwarts Express (which I got to after watching about ten different wizarding families randomly disappear through the barrier between platform 9 and 10. It was AWESOME), I obviously did not know a soul. Funnily enough, I was too excited to care very much. Since I didn't have anyone to say goodbye to, I scored an empty compartment. I could tell this was a great achievement already. I shoved my entire luggage out of sight and sat by the window, watching an overwhelming farewell party outside my window.

There could not have been more than six actual Hogwarts students in the party, but it seemed like half the country was there to see them off. There was an old couple that I took to be the grandparents of all the kids, and about five sets of parents, all surrounded by younger looking, teary-eyed kids. It was absolute chaos, but it was probably the most sickeningly cute thing I had ever seen. Yes, even at age eleven, cute meant sickening.

I was a little jealous of this send-off. It really wasn't fair that I had to be all by myself while these children got so much attention. They probably didn't even want it. They probably couldn't wait to get on the train and leave their parents behind. Jerks.

**SPEAKING OF WHICH, FIVE THINGS I ALWAYS WISH I HAD THAT PRACTICALLY EVERY CHILD IN THE UNIVERSE DOES AND SEEMS TO NOT WANT OR SHOW ANY APPRECIATION FOR AT ALL, ONLY I WOULD HAVE KILLED TO HAVE THEM:**

_**Normal parents. Duh. We've been over this. Always first on these lists.**_

_**Braces. My cross bite will, I feared, would always remain a cross bite. Unless I managed to learn some amazing spell at Hogwarts that would allow me to magically normalize the positioning of my teeth (I haven't yet).**_

_**A bedtime. I know that sounds ridiculous, but not having a bedtime meant that I stayed up for ages without parental supervision (ha) and now I have permanent bags under my eyes. Still looking for a charm for that as well.**_

_**Home-cooked food. I'm a freaking skeleton.**_

_**A best friend. We're getting to that part now.**_

The spoiled little idiots from the overly emotional group that had chosen to besmirch my window with their fond farewells decided to pick my compartment to place themselves in. They didn't even ask if it was okay for them to take over my haven like that. They just did it! The nerve!

There were three blonds, two girls and a boy that I took to be siblings. The oldest looking was prattling on about some bloke called "Teddy" and how she just knew they would be together forever. The younger girl was rolling her eyes and muttering under her breath about how she would "kill Teddy for subjecting her to this utter craposity." I liked her better. The boy didn't say anything and I didn't blame him.

There were two more boys and one girl that accompanied the other three into the compartment. The girl was scolding – yes SCOLDING – the boys about putting "maggots in her pumpkin juice" as they sniggered and rolled their eyes at her. One of the boys had olive skin and a strange mix of red-black hair that confused me greatly while the other had the messiest black hair and the most obnoxious smile I had ever seen.

Ignoring his cousin (I assumed that's what she was), he took a seat beside me. The entire time they had all been acting like I wasn't even in the compartment which had annoyed me to no end, because I like being taken notice of. I can see why that is, considering my parents ignored me all my life.

Anyway. The boy turned to me, FINALLY, and said, "Sorry about Molly here. She has an unnatural dislike toward maggots in her meals." He shrugged, his eyes glinting devilishly. "I don't see why. They're the most natural garnish there is."

I grinned at him. "Oh yeah, I've practically lived off them my entire life. Have you ever had maggot lo mein?"

"Of course," he said, rolling his eyes, "but that's only best when the insides of the maggots are really covering the noodles."

"Yeah, really slopping over it. Blood and guts and all."

The girl named Molly jumped up out of her seat, looking annoyed.

"You really shouldn't encourage him!" she SCOLDED me. "He's turning into the most disgusting little boy, and this sort of nastiness needs to be stamped out of him!"

"Feel free to stamp out of this compartment, Your Molliness!" I did a little fake bow and watched her turn pink. She turned away with her nose stuck in the air. "I have people to see anyway!" she exclaimed as she walked out staidly.

"Hmph, imaginary ones," the younger blond girl smirked. She turned to me and eyed me appraisingly. "Nice job. I'm Dominique Weasley and the girl you just sent into a flurry was our extremely irritating cousin Molly. Please do not hesitate to say rude, inappropriate or just plain mean things to her whenever you feel her presence is just too much to handle."

The messy-boy laughed. "Amen to that. This is Victoire," he motioned toward the older blond, "And Louis," blond boy, "and this is Fred," the other boy Molly was SCOLDING. "And I," he grinned, "am James Sirius Potter, son of Harry and Ginny Potter, saviors of the Wizarding World." He paused for a moment, beaming at me as if expecting applause or another one of my fake bows.

"I'm happy for you?" I replied, confused. His eyebrows went up in shock that I didn't know how to respond to his obviously very significant announcement.

"You don't know who Harry Potter is?" he sounded crestfallen.

"I'm sorry," I quickly said, cursing myself for somehow ruining things already. "I…have Muggle parents. So I don't really know anything about…well, anything."

James' eyes lit up. "Oh well, that's it then! Oh you'll love my story then! By the way," he added, positioning himself as if getting ready to tell a long, long tale. "What's your name?"

I hesitated. "Lemon. Snelling." I sighed. "My name is Lemon Snelling." It was all I could do to stop myself from burying my flaming face into my hands and praying for the floor to swallow me alive.

Everyone except Louis sniggered. James looked as though it was his birthday and Christmas all in one day, but he was still getting presents for both separately.

"Well, Lemony Snicket," he smiled widely, "get ready for the adventures of Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ronald Weasley, and their attempt to defeat the evil wizard Moldyshorts in HIS attempt to turn the wizarding world into an army of Oompa Loompas only without the cool orange-ness and lyrical genius. "

James Sirius Potter and I have been best friends ever since. Although we had a bit of a falling out when I found out that everything he told me about Moldyshorts wasn't true. He was really called Voldemort and Oompa Loompas were never a part of his plan.

Speaking of James, his idiotic owl Rumpelstiltskin (James has a thing for Muggle fairy tales), is outside, pecking at my window. What does it think that it's going to eat its way in?

It's a LETTER! From James! Yes! I haven't heard from him in WEEKS. He was supposed to come over and take me away from the hippie mess that is my parents' house to his place for the summer like, two weeks into summer, but his parents had a surprise trip to America planned for him to congratulate him for taking the OWLs last year. Not PASSING them, mind you, since he only got like five OWLs. This present is to show how pleased they are with him for not blowing the exams off completely or leaving randomly in the middle to play Quidditch or pelt Peeves with Dungbombs or something stupid like that.

Yeah, James has THOSE parents.

I'm just kidding. Harry and Ginny are COOL.

Anyway, yay! Here is James' letter:

_**Lemony Snickety Snicketson! **_(That complete ARSE!)

_** What's that? Did you just call me an ARSE? HAHAHAHA I knew you would. I have missed you my darling. America was brilliant, but without you and your hurtful comments, I am becoming overly optimistic about myself. I need you to tell me I'm a nutter and was dropped on my head as a baby. Set things right, my love! Save me from myself! And if that isn't motivation enough, I have a little presenty present for you, from the land of…hamburgers and such. **_

_**Okay I'm going to stop talking like that now. It's giving me metaphorical hives. Seriously Snickets, I'm losing it here. I only just got back yesterday and my parents are already going off about how I didn't "make use of the opportunity they presented to me by sending me off to America." Apparently I wasn't supposed to skive off live and relax but "study the vastly diverse wizarding culture that exists in that melting pot of a nation." I'm telling you, Aunt Hermione put them up to this. I have never heard my parents utter such libel before.**_

_**So, to rid me off my misery and get a few pranks planned in for next year before the summer ends and we have to start school as bleeding SIXTH YEARS, I am coming to take you away on my winged stallion. My broom. Be ready, my sweet. **_

_**Love and other girly things,**_

_**James (AKA, BOY WONDER).**_

_**PS: I missed you. American girls don't hold a candle to my Lemon.**_

_**PPS: Don't forget to pack a giant jar of those orange candy things I like so much. I'll ride off without you if you don't have them.**_

I grinned. I had missed James. He was the only thing that kept me sane in the ocean of insanity that was my life sometimes. Which really was saying something considering he is totally loopy himself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: On Flying, More Parents, and…Some More James**

**FIVE THINGS I AM DOING TO WHILE AWAY THE TIME TILL JAMES IS HERE TO GET ME THAT I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE DOING BECAUSE I MOST DEFINITELY WILL REGRET THEM LATER, POSSIBLY IN THE FORM OF THROWING UP BECAUSE THEY ALL INCLUDE EATING, SOMETHING I DO NOT NORMALLY DO A LOT OF. EXCEPT WHEN I AM AT HOGWARTS OF COURSE:**

Now that I think about it, that's not a good title.

**FIVE THINGS I AM EATING TO FILL THE EMPTY VOID THAT IS NOT SEEING MY BEST FRIEND TILL TONIGHT THAT I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE CONSUMING BECAUSE I MOST DEFINITELY WILL THROW UP LATER, NOT BEING USED TO THIS SORT OF ABUNDANCE OF FOOD IN MY VICINITY EXCEPT WHILE I AM AT HOGWARTS OF COURSE:**

**The largest bag of chips I could find at the grocery store. It contains baked potatoes, tomatoes, salsa, cheese, and tofurkey, whatever the heck that is. It tastes terrible. But it's loaded with calories. Yum.**

**A family pack of Skittles. Enough said.**

**All of the orange candy that I bought for James. Merlin, he's going to me so mad at me…**

**Cheesecake. (See 2.)**

**My nails.**

This isn't a good combination at all.

It doesn't matter though, because tonight I will be at James's, where Ginny will flood my plates with more food that I can possibly eat and Harry will shower me with the kind of affection he always wished he could on his _own_ daughter. Which he cannot, because Lily Potter has turned out to be a nutcase. All she cares about is boys. You didn't hear this from me (James, if for some extremely random reason you suddenly decide you want to die and start reading this, now would be a great time to STOP! No? Okay, fine. Don't say I didn't warn you), but she attempted to…ahem…_earn the attention_ of a certain Metamorphmagus godson who happens to be _engaged_ to a certain blond cousin of hers who wouldn't hesitate to rip Lily's carrot-topped head off (Yes, I said carrot-topped. Apparently Lily Evans' hair decides to display itself on boys only. Poor Lily Potter got the Weasley orangeness).

Anyway. Lily isn't important at all. And I don't know why I started talking to my best friend in my journal. In my UNICORN journal.

That's right, I'm still not cool with the whole UNICORN thing. My mother doesn't understand why I am so vehemently opposed to owning a journal adorned by a UNICORN. She floated into my room earlier and saw me drawing plaid patterns on the UNICORN's body and got all in a little hippie huff.

"Why, Lemon, must you be so uptightttttttttttttttttttttt?" she trilled. No seriously, the woman TRILLED. She also spun in a little circle, her flowery skirt spreading around her. Her beads were clanking against her chest. She was a daze of pinks and greens, with the flowers in her hair and around her ankles, and her bright red hair (that looks remarkably like Lily's now I think about it. SHUDDER) cascading down her back in wild little curls.

My mother is really pretty when she doesn't purposely turn herself into a sensory overload.

Anyway, so after spinning around for about half my life, she got dizzy and flopped herself down on my bed.

"Tell me Lemonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!" she trilled again.

I rolled my eyes. "Mother, seriously, stop trilling at me. I can hear you just fine when you say things NORMALLY. You know? Without adding a gazillion syllables to the end of every statement?"

"So uptighttttttt!" my mother shook her head, but she toned down on the addition of syllables. I could tell because her voice, for once, didn't make me want to pick up a dead possum and beat myself around the head with it when I heard her voice. "It's only a UNICORN!"

"Exactly, mother. A UNICORN. For your definitely not a ball-of-sunshine daughter."

"But honeyyyyyyyyyy!" she trilled (sweet Circe, why do you hate me so?), "you ARE my little ball of sunshine! My rainbow! My…peace sign!"

That was when I uncovered my enormous collection of unhealthy food and began chowing down on my nails.

If James is any later, he will find not his best friend, but the bloated carcass of a strange-looking creature with a plaid-patterned UNICORN clutched to its chest, lying on the floor surrounded by empty wrappers of his favorite candy and flower petals.

I need James to pick me up right now.

_James, oh James! Where art thou, my noble savior? _

Bloody hell, first he runs of the America for three-fourths of the summer while I languish in self-pity stuck in this hippie town, and now he's taking his own sweet time coming to get me? Has he found a new best friend or what?

I swear if he replaces me with Freddie, I might actually choke on my own saliva and die.

What am I thinking? Freddie has a stomach of a pregnant woman at seven in the morning. He would never be able to tolerate James's grossness. Sometimes I suspect that's the reason James and I became friends in the first place.

Huh, interesting.

"Snickets?"

"Nargufffhufghsh!" I slapped the poking hand away. Who dare interrupt my sleep?

"Nice to see you too, love."

"Wharaaaagh," I mumbled, getting really annoyed now. Didn't they know I was going to set my magical plaid patterned UNICORN on them for waking me up?

"SNICKETS! OI!"

"WHATTTTTTTTTT?" I jumped up in bed, alarmed at the urgency in the annoying voice. My eyes were still adjusting to being open and everything was blurred. Someone was standing in front of me, his face hovering above mine, hazel eyes filled with amusement at my disoriented state.

James.

James Potter.

"OHMGOD JAMESFREAKIN'POTTERWHERETHEHELLHAVEYOUBEEN?" I screamed louder than I had ever screamed before and launched myself onto him. I heard him chuckle and then splutter.

"Merlin, Snickets," he muttered, sounding completely disgusted. "Your hair is IN my MOUTH."

"I don't care!" I laughed, hugging him tighter. "I'm so glad you're here, James, I was spazzing because my mother gave me a UNICORN journal, and I ate at least twelve thousand calories in my own nails and this really terrible bag of chips and I don't really know why I ate it because it really was the worst stuff ever and then I ate your orange candy and then my mother called me uptight and I was like, whatever, but James, I really AM uptight aren't I? Why are you even friends with me? Is it because I can tolerate your grossness? And Freddie can't? Because that's not really a good reason you know - hmphhhh!"

James had slapped his palm again my mouth so I couldn't talk anymore. He does that a lot.

I don't like it, but he still does it anyway.

"Snickets," he looked at me, his face incredulous. "How long have I been gone? Merlin."

I suddenly remembered that I was a little mad at him for abandoning me all summer for a trip he didn't deserve because, uh, I'm pretty convinced I was the one who made him put away his broomstick and go write his OWL papers. So I gave him an annoyed shove (a little one, in case he got mad at me and left me to rot here with my mother's flowery skirts) and sat back down on my bed.

"Uh, you, mister, have been gone long enough!" I glared at him, crossing my arms and legs together and pursing my lips. "I hope you had a whole bunch of UNDESERVED FUN in America."

"I did," James grinned, leaning against my closet. His eyes went misty and he got a goofy smile on his face. "The girls were _awesome_."

I threw a fistful of food at him. Some of it landed in his hair. Oops. Teehee.

He stared at me and then laughed. Damn. I thought the hair would work for sure! I tightened my crossed appendages and scowled at him.

James sighed and sat down next to me. "Hey," he murmured, poking my shoulder gently, "I missed you, you know." When I didn't reply, he put and arm around my shoulder and pulled me in till my head was against his chest. "You don't believe me? I MISSED YOU. I MISSED YOU! I MISSED YOU!"

I couldn't help it. I started laughing into his shirt, and realized that I had been crying without even knowing that I was. I tried to quickly wipe away the tears, but I guess his shirt getting wetter might have made him notice just a tad. He tightened his arms around me. "Sorry I ditched you. You have no idea how awful it was there without you. I thought I might become like…a good person."

"Jeez, thanks," I giggled, suddenly happy again. I swear I am bipolar. I moved away from him to fix my emotional wreckage of a face. "I want to hear all about it. But first," I sighed, "I just want to get out of here."

James got off the bed and pulled me up. "Anything you want, love…except you ate all my orange candy."

Once James got over my total carnage of his bloody precious orange candy - "ONE THING I ASKED YOU TO HAVE FOR ME SNICKETS! THE ONE AND ONLY THING!" – we finally got on his broom.

His NEW broom I might add. That's right. Another you-took-your-OWLs present.

Anyway, James charmed my things back to his house so we could fly unencumbered. This part I was extremely excited for. I don't fly a whole lot. Whenever I do, it's with James, so this annual flight from my place to his is always a highlight of the year.

"Ready?" James grinned, as I settled myself on the broom in front of him.

"Heck, yes." I couldn't help feeling a surge of adrenaline pumping through my veins as he put one arm around my waist and the other on the broom in front of us before kicking the ground expertly with a foot. We slowly ascended the skies and I felt a familiar plunging feeling in my stomach. You know, the kind that you get when the elevator suddenly starts moving, and inertia is still acting on you?

No?

Wait, you don't know what elevators are?

Huh. Well then never mind.

Anyway, I screamed a teensy bit when we began to go faster and James started laughing at me. Not in a mean way. He knows how much flying scares and fascinates me simultaneously.

The wind hit my face hard and my hair flew back into James's face. "SNICKETS!" I heard him splutter and giggled. "DO YOU WANT TO FALL FROM THE SKY?"

"No," I mumbled, tightening my grip on his arm and sweeping my hair into a bundle at my neck with my free hand.

"Thank Merlin," James sighed. "Tell me, is there a reason why your hair is ALWAYS in my face?"

"'Cause you love it, that's why."

"I love you."

"That too."

After an hour of flying and arguing over whether James was more Chandler or Joey (I said he was Joey because of his behavior with people of the opposite gender, and his overly enthusiastic affinity for food. James disagreed. He said he was Chandler because he was FUNNY. Oh by the way, James watches F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I got him into it a couple years ago and he's been hooked ever since. He made his parents BUY him a Muggle television set so we didn't have to bring mine over every summer) we finally landed in James's backyard.

"If you're going to make me Joey, I'll make you Monica," James threatened me as we floated lightly over the grass toward the broomstick shed.

I giggled. "I LIKE Monica remember?"

"Damn. That's right."

We laughed as we finally came to a stop. James jumped off the broom and helped me get down from it. I stood there quietly, looking around at the backyard I landed in every summer. It never changed, never disappeared. That's what I loved about being here with James and his family. They were the constant part of my life. Sure, they enjoyed disappearing beneath their Invisibility Cloak, but they always came back.

I was smiling about this cheering thought when James got done with stowing his things away. "Ready to meet the Potters again?" he smiled, grabbing my hand as we began walking toward the house.

I laughed and linked arms with him. "Always ready."

**FIVE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT THE POTTERS (OH LOOKIE! A SIMPLE TITLE!):**

_**Ginny's cooking. She inherited Molly Weasley (the first)'s cooking skills that woman did.**_

_**When Harry ruffles my hair and calls me "honey." My father never does that.**_

_**Strange as this may sound, Albus Potter. He's like the brother I never had. Only better, because I don't have to deal with him when I don't want to.**_

_**Watching the Potters play Quidditch, and flying with James afterward.**_

_**Rooming with James.**_

Yes, I know what you're thinking. Rooming with James? A boy? Blasphemy! Abstinence!

Get off your high horse. I get James's bed, and he sleeps on the floor. And Harry and Ginny don't care. They're the coolest parents ever, except when it comes to breaking rules. Since James and I don't break any rules while I'm here (we just plan for the rules we WILL break once we're AT Hogwarts), my stay here usually goes by without any hitches.

"Lemon, honey!" Ginny smiled as I walked in with James. She was sitting at the kitchen table, writing letters it looked like.

"Morning, Mrs. Potter," I grinned, walking up to her and giving her a hug. I don't call her and Harry by their names to their faces. That's just how James makes me refer to them. I wasn't comfortable with it, but it kind of stuck. Somehow, I don't think Harry and Ginny would _care_ if _I_ called them by their names. James is a different story. They'd rip his head off for being "disrespectful." Harry would probably throw in something about "saving the wizarding world from the sadistic hands of Voldemort" as some sort of lesson as to addressing your parents using the respectful and appropriate terms. That man has got a superhero complex if I've ever seen one.

Ginny returned my embrace and pushed me away so she could get a good look at me. "You haven't been eating have you?" she chided, clicking her tongue as if chastising me for starving myself.

"You know that isn't my fault," I drily remarked, "mother and father went shopping for groceries last week and bought me a UNICORN journal. And they claimed they lost the list I made them. And that corn husks were a completely normal item to place on the table for breakfast, lunch and dinner."

Ginny shook head. "Now you're here. I'm going to fatten you up. Also, what's this about a unicorn journal?"

"You have to say it louder. Like UNICORN. Or it doesn't sound as blasphemous as it is."

James snorted as he jumped onto the couch and nestled himself in between the cushions. "Stop obsessing over the damn unicorn."

"JAMES!"

"It's UNICORN!"

"What have I said about cursing?"

"Do it?"

"JAMES, it's UNICORN!"

"I heard you, you freak."

"DON'T USE WORDS LIKE THAT IN THIS HOUSE!"

"MUM, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?"

"JAMES SIRIUS POTTER!"

"THAT'S A STUPID MIDDLE NAME! DO I LOOK SERIOUS TO YOU?"

"I wish people would remember that it's UNICORN."

"MERLIN LEMON! STOP WITH THE UNICORN!"

No, seriously, I like being at the Potters'. Trust me on it.

"And we need to talk about how you're repaying me for all the candy you demolished."

Damn.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three: On Dark Marks, Hormones, and Sex-on-Legs (and James)**

**Five Things I Have Offered to James in Order to Make Up for Eating All His Orange Candy that He has Refused as Compensation:**

**A F.R.I.E.N.D.S. DVD set of all ten seasons. He said he'd have to buy a DVD player and learn how to use it, which of course he didn't want to do because he is a lazy lump of the supreme kind.**

**A DVD Player and lessons on how to use it. Because he is, as mentioned, indolent.**

**Sleeping on the floor and letting him have the bed for the duration of my stay. He said he'd be damned if a "young lady slept on the cold, hard ground while he was swept away on gossamer threads and fluffy pillows."**

**A BIG HUG! He said it wasn't anything special. That kind of hurt my feelings. So then…**

…**I told him I'd punch him for being such a ginormous baby wanker, and he got all nervous because I'm pretty strong when I get mad. **

Anyway, the long and short of it is that he has forgiven me for eating all his candy. I offered him my UNICORN journal, but then I remembered how I wrote about Lily hitting on Teddy and had to pull it away quite speedily before he went through any of the entries. It's fairly cumbersome, keeping his family's secrets. Because now I can't get rid of the UNICORN.

I'm a little concerned as to why James ACCEPTED it anyway.

The important thing is that I am now at the Potters'. And I'm having a wonderful time. Harry ruffled my hair when he got home from the Ministry (Harry's an Auror. I'm not really sure who he's fighting now that Moldyshorts is gone and all his cronies are either dead/in Azkaban/or under a public scrutiny so keen that it is next to impossible for them to initiate any sort of magic, dark or otherwise). Ginny drowned my plate in so much food that I looked a little pregnant afterward.

No, I'm not being self-deprecating. Albus TOLD me. "You look a little pregnant Lemon."

Whatever. I got to eat treacle tart, multiple times. James and Albus couldn't. James, for all the cussing than went on earlier, and Albus for being "obscene and rude to young ladies." I think the Potter family has a thing for calling me that.

Lily was too busy chattering away on her cellphone to someone about "hunks" and "heartthrobs," so the rest of us sat by the fireplace, listening to Harry and Ginny's playful banter about Harry's sixth (Ginny's fifth) year. I don't know what's playful about it. Dumbledore dies in it, and it's all quite depressing. Also James keeps sticking his tongue out whenever Harry mentions how he and Ginny had started dating that year.

I leaned against James's legs and closed my eyes contentedly. Then I opened my eyes and saw Albus drawing Dark Marks on his shoes. I'm sure you'll understand why that was extremely intriguing and bothersome to me.

Oh Merlin, that would be just perfect if Albus became the next Dark Lord.

"Mr. Potter?" I cleared my throat, halting Harry in his long-winded description of the color of Ginny's hair and why it attracted him so much (it's obvious. HIS mother was a red-head. It's a sort of Oedipus complex. Ew).

"Yes, Lemon?"

"Er…I was wondering, if Albus grew up and became a Dark wizard, would you…be mad?" I heard James splutter in astonishment and Albus let out an aggravated "HEY!" "Oh whatever, Al, you're drawing Dark Marks on your shoes!"

"They're cool looking." Albus muttered, looking defensive.

The next morning I woke up to the sound of birds chirping exuberantly outside James' window. Not really, it was more like Ginny screeching at Lily for putting on red lipstick or something of the sort. Give it a rest, I say, let her fulfill her destiny of tramposity.

I groaned as the yelling got louder. Lily was putting up a fight. She obviously wanted to follow her hooker dreams. Good for her. I stretched out on the forty-five thousand pillows on James' bed and tried to drag the comforter over myself. I always fell asleep without pulling it on, and woke up writhing in the cold. I was also too lazy to sit up and get under it.

"I'll do it, you lumpfish," I heard James sigh from the floor. MWAHAHAHAHAHA, I knew he'd do it in the end. I smiled happily as he blearily rubbed his eyes and pulled himself off of the floor.

And then the smile was wiped right off my face. Because James was shirtless.

WHAT THE HELL? I screamed fairly hysterically in my head as he rumpled up his already disheveled hair and reached for my comforter. I could see his entire body from the waist up. With skin. The skin of, I mean. His skin.

"UNGHHHULFFFFFF!" I crammed a pillow into my mouth to keep myself from spazzing out loud. I did NOT want to see any of James' skin. That wasn't on his face anyway.

"What, you complete nut?" James groaned, tucking in the sides of the comforter so I wouldn't kick it off. His arms were all…whatsit. Sinewy.

"Nargullufffffilssk." I replied, shaking my head. His eyes twinkled with comprehension and he sat down on my bed. Near my face. Oh man, this wasn't good. His abs (JAMES HAS ABS?) were all…six-packy (Sorry! I'm not the most coherent thinker. Or speaker as you've probably noticed) and strong. Ish.

It's not like I haven't seen James without a shirt on before. I HAVE. Second year, when we went swimming with Al and Lily. There wasn't much to see back then. James saw me without a shirt on then. Nothing great here either.

Not that there's much now.

"Are you uncomfortable because I am half-naked? Has my godlike figure turned you into a babbling psycho?" James smirked and I buried my face under the comforter to hide my flaming cheeks from him.

"Errrrdghegre."

"Just what I thought," James chuckled and hugged me over all the layers that I'd set up between us. Even though it all, I could feel his *GULP* abs. "You should wake up now. We're visiting the Burrow today remember? And don't worry," I could almost HEAR him smirk, "I'll put on a shirt made of dark, thick materials to keep your mind off my sexy body."

My mind is NOT on his sexy body. Just his sexy abdomen.

"You're a tosser, James Potter!" I yelled, my mouth coming unglued as I watched him pull on a black T-shirt and casually walk out the room.

"Love you too darling."

"Now remember James: no making fun of Molly. I don't care how idiotic she acts, CONTROL YOUR MOUTH. Albus: no blowing things up with Hugo. Or talking about Dark Marks. It's a sensitive topic everywhere and you need to understand that. Lily: stop rolling your skirt over your knees. Your grandmother will have a heart attack and Ron won't let you talk to Rose." Ginny took a deep breath as she announced the child-specific instructions she had to remind them of every single year when they visited their grandparents at the Burrow.

Lily rolled her sparkly eyes. "Why would I WANT to talk to Rose? She's a prude," she muttered under her breath. Everyone heard her, but chose to ignore it. We do that a lot when it comes to Lily.

"Lemon honey," Ginny added, turning to me, "it'd be best if you once again didn't mention how we still let you and James sleep in the same room. I don't think their grandmother would quite approve, now that you have…hormones."

I turned red, thinking about that morning. James was chuckling next to me, and I wanted to rip his stupid hair out.

"My hormones aren't easy enough to be affected by James," I looked down at him snootily and stalked away. James sniggered and followed me.

"Think you're too good for me, do you, Snickets?" he waggled his eyebrows at me and put an arm around my waist.

"Unnnnghfffff! Get away James!" We were getting closer to the Burrow door and he was HAMPERING my movements. "You wanker, stop touching me!"

"You like it."

"I really don't."

"You're in denial," James smiled, letting me go as I tried to stomp on his foot. "You'll come around beautiful. They always do."

"You're a child molester."

"How charming of you."

Dumb tosser always had to get the last word in. Well, at least he stopped trying to tickle me. Good thing too, because Molly the First (as opposed to…Molly the Nutter cousin who SCOLDS people her own age) was flinging her door open, looking ecstatic to see her grandchildren. You'd think having seventy million people over every summer in a house meant for not more than seven would be slightly exhausting but there's nothing stopping that woman. She entertains EVERYONE every year, cooks EVERY meal while we're there, and NEVER complains. Once, she even told me to bring my parents along to stay. Or any best friends from school. She seemed quite put off when I told her that James was really my only best friend.

She got over it when James told her we're getting married after Hogwarts. I'm a little worried she took him seriously.

Which is why I'm glad he stopped tickling me. I always keep my distance from James around her. I don't want her planning a wedding for me. Not one with James anyway.

**Ten Reasons Why I Would NEVER EVER Marry James Sirius Potter, No Matter HOW Much Treacle Tart Molly Weasley (the First) Bribed Me With:**

**He might name any kids we have…really weird names. I mean his brother IS Albus Severus Potter. I'm sorry but I'm not having my children bear the stigma of an abnormal name. Being a LEMON, I know what I'm talking about.**

**Lily Potter would be my sister-in-law. And the aunt of my kids. If that isn't the cruelest form of torture, I don't know what is. Unless my kids want to become slags and tarts. Then, this bullet point is obsolete!**

**James thinks he is very sexy. I cannot marry a mentally unstable man.**

**He would make me buy him orange candy all the time. I'm not sure I can deal with the pressure.**

**He'd want a Weasley-esque clan of boys to make his own Quidditch team. I'm not even making his up, he's TOLD me he wants his wife to give birth to seven boys to make up a Potter Quidditch team.**

**He's obviously sexist.**

**Marrying James would mean…having to do things with him. No, I don't mean spending TIME with him you complete Death Eaters! I mean nocturnal activities. Things that go BUMP in the night. Sex. Wow, it's amazing how completely mental you are. Unless you're Rose Weasley. Then I understand you're innocent lack of carnal knowledge (ROSE WHAT THE HELL STOP READING MY UNICORN JOURNAL).**

**My name would be Lemon Potter. I don't quite understand, but that sounds slightly…not quite right.**

**James tickles me. I cannot give him lifelong access to that.**

**I'd probably end up killing him and then lose both a husband AND a best friend.**

So there you are Molly the First. Sorry to break your heart. No weddings here.

Molly doesn't seem too bothered by this. Not vocally, at least. She hugged James incredibly tight and told me I was looking "peaky," and did my parents not understand that a growing girl needed her nutrition?

No they don't, Molly.

James pulled me into the house, sighing as Molly focused her attention on the rapidly decreasing length of Lily's skirts. "She's getting worse with old age," James grumbled, running his fingers through his hair.

I shook my head at his impolite…rudeness and walked into the "sitting room" of the Burrow. Most of the family was already there. All the adults – Hermione and Ron, George and Angelina, Bill and Fleur, Teddy and Victoire, Percy and Audrey (yuck), and Dominique (she's sort of an adult I guess. She's working an all, so) – were sitting around on the couches, chatting about the Ministry and other unnecessary things. They all waved to me and went back to their not-very-scintillating conversations. I swear, Harry and Ginny are the liveliest parents of the lot. Ron and George are great too, but when they're all COUPLED UP, they became so mind-numbingly mundane.

"Hey Lemon!" I heard a soft voice behind me and turned to see Rose Weasley standing there, smiling. She's a splitting image of her mother, but prettier in a gentler, quieter way. She's quite possibly the only girl I'm even a little close to at Hogwarts. She's a bit of a prude, like Lily said, but she's got a very kind heart.

No I'm NOT being sarcastic, she's an awfully nice person!

"Rose!" I smiled at her and gave her a hug. "How've you been?"

"Quite good! Mum bought me this lovely leather-bound copy of _Hogwarts: A History_, but it's the REVISED edition, so it has all the history of the house-elves and everything. Mum was infuriated that they didn't have it before, see, so she wrote to the editor and they apologized and revised it! Isn't that wonderful?" Rose's eyes were sparkling in delight. I smiled at her excitement. She really was the most adorable thing in the world. I'd never seen someone so happy over a book.

"No, Rosie, that's the opposite of wonderful. That's…er, boring." James snickered from behind me. I had almost forgotten he was there. It had been a lovely feeling while it lasted.

I told him that. "James, I had almost forgotten you were there. It was a lovely feeling while it lasted."

James cocked an eyebrow at me sardonically and such and said, "Have you told Rosie about us yet?"

"What about us?" I looked at him quizzically. "If this is about your darn orange candy, goodness, I'll get some MORE for you."

"No gorgeous, about your unbridled passion for my shirtless torso."

"Oh God, James, keep your voice down, if your grandmother hears you she'll start asking me what my thoughts on center pieces are."

Rose looked incredibly confused by then so I brushed James off toward his beckoning relatives and said, "Don't pay any attention to him. He's being a baby because I ate his present."

"Oh," Rose replied, still puzzled. "Er, okay Lemon, whatever you say. Are you sure though? It sounds like he's upset that you won't admit you find him attractive."

Rose Weasley is a simpleton if I ever saw one.

"No dear, I'm pretty sure that's not it."

"Forget James," I said impatiently, "I want to meet everyone else."

"Of course," Rose composed herself. "They're all here in the dining room. Molly, Lucy, Hugo, Louis, Freddie, Roxy, and Louis."

"Thanks for the headcount love."

I could hear shouts of laughter ensuing from the "dining room." Freddie and Roxy were probably being themselves as usual. Roxy was only twelve, but she was taking after her father in all respects. Add to that the feistiness she got from her mother, and I just know she's going to be a force to reckon with in a couple years.

Thank Merlin, I'll be out of Hogwarts by then.

I walked into the room with Rose, my eyes roving over everyone individually. The Lemon End-of-Summer-Once-Over. Molly was sitting at the table with her elbows tucked in, staring disapprovingly at everything while her little sister Lucy tried to stop herself from giggling at her sister's discomfiture. Hugo and Roxy were laughing at some joke Freddie had just made up I'm assuming. And Louis was…

SWEET JESUS.

That could NOT be Louis.

Maybe it was Scorpius Malfoy, at the Burrow for some very random reason.

Maybe I'm HALLUCINATING from all the orange candy.

"Hi Lemon!" Roxy called out, seeing me walk into the room. Everyone's heads whipped around to greet me.

"Hey you lot! Have a good summer?" my voice trailed off. I was still staring at Possible-Scorpius-Louis. "I don't think we've met before?" I asked, looking over to the cabinet against which he was leaning.

"Lemon," Possible-Scorpius-Louis said in a deep, husky voice. "It's me. Louis."

IT CANNOT BE.

"Oh! Right, of course!" I said, fumbling with my shirt. "Are you sure you're not Scorpius Malfoy though?"

Louis looked at me with amused eyes. "No, Lemon," he smiled, "I'm absolutely certain I'm Louis." I couldn't reply. His eyes were so BLOODY BLUE. I mean, not bloody. I meant that as an emphasis type-thing.

"Haha, right, sure, well, great-to-see-you-well-I'll-just-be-off-then!" I smiled a very big, potentially creepy smile. I saw Louis's eyes twinkle – SWEET MERLIN those eyes! – and his beautiful, gorgeous, delicious mouth form the words, "Right then. See you Lemon," and curve into a most tantalizing smile.

I wanted to snog him right there and then.

Let's talk about snogging as I hide behind the kitchen door to recuperate from my incredibly embarrassing meeting with Louis-Who-Is-Most-Definitely-Not-Scorpius-Malfoy.

**Boys I Have Snogged (With Humorous Comments and Such):**

**Ryker Jansen – I don't even know if this counts as snogging. He gave me a single peck on the lips after Herbology one day back in first year. James punched him and told him to "mind his boundaries."**

**Brian Smith – he asked me to have lunch with him by the lake during second year and kissed me, saying I had jam on my lips. I thought it was cute till James filled his shoes with jam and told him to "suck on that instead."**

**Lorcan Scamander – that was a dare in third year. I was supposed to kiss him in a broom closet for seven minutes. After the fourth minute, and JUST when we'd gotten to French kissing, James burst into the closet and told him "Time's up you wanker."**

**Lysander Scamander – okay, I'm not a twisted twin sex maniac or anything, I swear. HE was dared to kiss me in front of everyone. He barely got five seconds in before James announced that Truth or Dare was "stupid, and I'm taking Lemon away from this corruption."**

**Damien Wood – that was actually a lot of fun. We went to the Christmas ball together in fourth year but we soon got bored and went back to the deserted common room where he proceeded to snog me very, very enthusiastically. That could have been a turning point in my life if James hadn't randomly walked in and cursed Damien's lips off when he saw us kissing ("How're you gonna kiss her now, Wood?" is what James said).**

**Freddie Weasley – okay, this was just a prank we played on James. Freddie announced to the entire school that I was his new girlfriend and we kissed for like nine minutes till I got annoyed that James wasn't interrupting the one time that I wanted him to. I pushed Freddie away and saw James laughing in the corner. He didn't buy it. Said I was "grimacing," which gave it all away.**

So as you can see, I've had SOME experience, but besides Damien Wood, not any worthwhile, life-altering experiences.

But somehow, I'm getting the sense that Sex-on-Legs-Louis will be an excellent boy to snog. He's got all this dark-yet-blond hair, and the fittest body in the world, and the bluest bluey blue eyes. He's always had all these things, but something's changed over the summer.

He's become so FLIPPING hot.

"Lemon?" James rounded the corner out the kitchen and crouched down to look under the table. "Are you here?"

"Oi!" I whispered crossly, from my hiding place behind the door. "Don't be so loud."

James stood up and raised an eyebrow. "Why is it that you are cowering behind that door?"

"Never mind that, why were you looking for me under a TABLE?"

"It's a likely place to look when someone's hiding."

"It is not."

"Is too. What are you doing anyway?"

"…hiding." I sighed and sank down on to the floor, putting my head on my knees in resignation.

"No dips, Sherlock." I heard James walk toward me and sit down beside my aforementioned resigned form.

"What's wrong?" he asked, his voice soft, all the teasing gone from it. I shook my head. I was NOT telling him about Sex-on-Legs-Louis. He put his arm around me and I snuggled into his chest like always. Then I remembered his Molly the First, who might see us and think the worst.

"Nurhghghhhhhhsh, don't touch me James!" I whispered, pushing him away. He scowled.

"Snickets, I'll put a shirt on next time, stop being so bloody prudish!"

I looked up at him in shock. "What? I don't care if you're shirtless, you Death Eater."

James looked disappointed. "You don't? Then why are you upset?"

"Because I just made a complete and utter FOOL of myself."

"I don't get it. Then why are you upset?"

"James!" I frowned. "Stop teasing me. It's not funny. I'm a lunatic. I can't act normal around really hot guys, even when they're being incredibly nice and NOT intimidating. Oh man, Sex-on-Legs-Louis probably thinks I'm a moron. He probably won't even look at me at dinner. He'll sit far away from me and avoid me for the rest of my prudish, dithery, UNICORN life."

"Sex-on-Legs-Louis?"


End file.
